TRAUMA. Trying to make sense of it.
The English dictionary definition for the word trauma is ‘a deeply distressing or disturbing experience’ or a ‘physical injury’. I prefer Gabor Maté’s presentation of the word which he writes in The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture, he says ‘As I use the word, "trauma" is an inner injury, a lasting rupture or split within the self due to difficult or hurtful events. By this definition, trauma is primarily what happens within someone as a result of the difficult or hurtful events that befall them; it is not the events themselves. "Trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you" is how I formulate it.’
Yes, trauma can be a deeply distressing or disturbing experience but to Gabor’s point, it’s what happens to you and inside of you as a result which is the tricky bit to navigate. And it doesn’t have to be something catastrophic, it can be something small, often referred to as “small-t trauma”. It’s the long-lasting marks left by seemingly ordinary events. It’s this piece that’s the interesting bit, and what I struggle to sometimes understand and make sense of. When something big happens, it’s expected that there should be some sort of consequence to such an event, it’s accepted. However, when it’s the “small stuff”, which is most often accumulated over time, it’s harder for people to see, expect, accept, or understand and I think most of us live in that space to some degree. And this has huge implications on our physiology, the state of our nervous system determines the state of the world as we perceive it and how our bodies physically respond to it.
In most cases, I don’t think we even know what’s going on for us, subconsciously it’s there but we don’t see it, or more importantly, we don’t understand it ourselves, so how can we expect others to truly see us? This very often leads to addictive behaviours used to self-soothe we can't control, be it with alcohol, drugs, workaholism, pornography, gambling, shopping, exercising, food, and relationships can all become addictions.
Russell Brand sums this up when talking of his own additions, “Drugs and alcohol are not my problem, reality is my problem, drugs and alcohol are my solution.”
In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts, Gabor Maté explains that “Addiction is not an inherent brain disease but a response to childhood stress and sometimes trauma. Those people use the addition as a way of regulating intolerable internal states, and the solution is not behavioural control but actually dealing with that emotional pain and discomforting internally so that you don’t have to escape from it through your behaviours.”
Having witnessed some of my own behaviours, that “fuck it” moment when I know that I should do X, but I do Y, has put me in situations I never intended to be in. Even having an awareness of this pattern, I still find myself repeating self-destructive practices time and time again.
Trauma can cut us into little parts, so we are no longer whole. It’s the disconnection from our whole selves which is the essence of trauma. And this impacts our ability to be vulnerable and it’s in the power of vulnerability where true change can come. Brené Brown, a professor at the University of Houston and author of many books including The Gift of Imperfection studies shame, fear, and the power of vulnerability to transform shame into an intimate connection with other human beings. In The Gift of Imperfection, Brown writes, “If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the worlds from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way-especially shame, fear and vulnerability.” She describes shame as the fear of being unloved and states that it exists for us all: “To feel shame is to be human”.
Seeing trauma as an internal dynamic grants us much-needed agency. As Maté says “If we treat trauma as an external event, something that happens to or around us, then it becomes a piece of history we can never dislodge. If, on the other hand, trauma is what took place inside us as a result of what has happened, in the sense of wounding or disconnection, then healing and reconnection become tangible possibilities.”
Alain de Botton said in the ‘How To Fail With Elizabeth Day’ Podcast, “Damage is ok, it’s a bit cool even. It’s about knowing, where it is, admitting to it and being ok with it.”
Sitting with the discomfort is when true healing can begin, while we fill our time running from or chasing something to numb the pain, it will continue to lead to self-destruction and ultimately takes us further away from ourselves. What I do believe to be true is that we can learn to heal those little pieces and over time love wholeheartedly and when we do that’s when we’ll experience true intimacy and spontaneity, as those things become sacrificed when we’re putting up walls to keep from being seen. When we know ourselves, then we’ll be known.
